For the most part of today I have been in bed, very sick. I am gluten intolerant , I ate gluten last night soo that went over awesome. NOT! Today I have realized a lot of things, I wrote a letter to myself and saw much I don’t trust myself. Because when I was depressed I made some horrible choices. It’s hard for me to trust myself due to how when I am depressed my illness takes over. My illness literally ruins my life. I stayed with an absusive boyfriend (now ex boyfriend), almost killed myself multiple times, and could have gotten pregnant. So let’s just say I don’t trust myself when my illness takes over. But I do know I am a TOTALLY different person now than I used to be. I am stable and recovering, I have worked my ass off, and my illness doesn’t define me anymore. It used to, but now it doesn’t. I am just scared that one day my illness will take over again, but I honestly know I wouldn’t let that happen. I just don’t trust my illness, I trust myself but not my illness. So I wrote a long letter to myself which really helped. I just got some trust issues to work through.
Also at church I realized I don’t trust God. I have been through hell and back, I still don’t understand why I went through what I went through, and what I am still going through today. But I had a nice long talk with God. He really spoke to me and opened my eyes. When I get upset, angry, bitter, and hurt I stop talking to you. God told me I need to conitue talking to him, so I can overcome being anger at him and not trusting him. He told me tonight I need to start talking to him daily, read his word, and listen to him. So I will start doing all thous things! I am going to read the book of John, set aside time everyday to talk to him, and when he tells me to do something, I will do it. I really want to trust him, and be close to him. But to get there I need to stop being anger, bitter towards him, and trust him. Yes it will take a lot of work but I am up for the challenge!
I want to trust all of myself! I want to love all parts of myself. I love a lot of myself but I don’t love and trust my illness. I am going to change that!💜 I have a lot of work ahead of me. But I have gotten this far I can face anything with God by my side!🙌🙏☀️
Emotional day and sick day but I going to start doing some good things! Today is ending on a positive note!!💗💗
Love you lots!💚