The ugly truth

So I have been on vacation so that is why I haven’t been posting but it has been AMAZING and I will post more about it later. But right now I really need to talk about the ugly truth.

So I have been a total cold hearted bitch, pain in the ass, lately. And I think I know why. Mom always tells me that hurt people hurt people and I am very scared inside. The past 3 years I was depressed and being abused. Well thous 3 years I told no one, anything. I bottled up my feelings. I have been in recovery for about 8ish months, but I feel I have been dealing with some stuff alone. I have no friends, and I know my mom is always there for me. But it’s really difficult for talking to her about my past. It’s one of the things I still haven’t learned to stop bottling it up. I have also been bottling up about how hard it is for me being gluten intolerant. Cause they fix family suppers for us that are gluten free. My dad has some food problems himselve and everything I say it’s not hard he says “at least it’s not dairy free.” ️Well I know that, I only did that for 2 months, but gluten really sucks cause I have to do it the rest of my life!! He has such an attitude about my good intolerance, cause he has one. I am opening my self up to you and he is being so cold in return. So I just don’t take about how I feel about my food problem. Mom has never been cold or mean about them, but dad has so I have shut down on talking about it. 

Here is the ugly truth: I have been so hurt the past 3 years by myself, my illness, and my abuser. I don’t know how to talk about any of that, so I just explode. I hurt everyone around me cause I shatter everything and everyone in my path. 

I have just felt so alone cause my mental illness is a mind battle everyday that only I can face. And I still have things bottled up inside. My little sister hasn’t been helping, she cries if you look at her wrong. Which in turns, makes me on edge, so then I expode.

Like last night, my sister was being SOO EMOTIONAL and I had a rough night. I had a rough night cause at the restaurant we were at, there not many things for me, being gluten intolerant. But when they gave me, my food, it was so small. And everyone else was eating things I love, but can’t have, and on top of that I was soo hungry. So I got up from the table went into the bathroom, had an anxiety attack. Then once I somewhat calmed down, got out and looked around. Mom came and talked to me which really helped. But then my sister started being emotional and a pain in the ass. So I was about to jump of a cliff with my mood when I got home. I talked to mom, mom did nothing at all, and I completely expoded. I said so REALLY TERRIBLE THINGS, I shouldn’t have said, and really hurt her and pissed her off. 

Then this morning I didn’t get sleep, due to nightmares. So I hurt mom and pissed her off even more. Then another anxiety attack. I apologized to mom but I know she is still hurt by all the cruel things I said when I exploded.

So I have been a cold hearted bitch, pain in the ass, awful to be around, jerk, etc. 

And the ugly truth is no excuse for me to act this way, it’s just what I know is behind my actions. 

I just need lots more of therapy, and give mom time to let go of what I said totally. 

So for now, I will stop exploding on the people I love, think before I speak, and write more on here. Blogging always helps me so I need to do this WAYY more often. 

I don’t mean to be terrible, I am just struggling, and I feel alone. I know I am not, I always have my mom, but I just suck right now.

So I WILL STOP exploding and do my best to do better.

Thank you guys for listening I really needed to talk about this.

Love you lots!💗💜