“Hello Renae, oh guess what you have bipolar!”

Oh my goodness everyone it has been a while, I hope y’all are doing well. Honestly, I am not. Things are hell for me right now. 

So on Friday I got diagnosed with bipolar. As you know, 4 years ago I was diagoned with major depression and anxiety. Well my illness has changed completely. My dr said it is very normal that as you mature for bipolar to show up. I was diagoned with depression and anxiety when I was 14, now I am 17. So I have been reading books about bipolar for teens to try to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. And it’s normal for bipolar to come in your late teens. My mom has bipolar which already puts me at risk for it, and I have already been diagnosed with other stuff which puts me as a giant walking target to have bipolar. I know my mom feels guilty about it, but I don’t blame her at all. Honesty I just don’t know what the hell is going on with me. Because I truthfully don’t know much about bipolar,now I have it and have no clue what to do. My mom and my therapist said it was no big shock to them that I got diagnosed with bipolar. Honestly it wasn’t to surprising for me either, but it still feels like someone has slapped me in the face. “Hello Renae, oh guess what?! You have bipolar?” I feel confused, like what? But it always makes sense “oh so there is a reason to all my madness I am not totally insane!” But also I think “what now? What do I do with life, with myself? “Who am I? Can I still be successful and follow my dream?? UGHHH!” So yes I have very mixed emotions about all of this. I just want to get the help I need, to get better, have a success life and show those people “yeah that’s right, I have bipolar but I pretty dang successful!” It’s just tough and I am still processing. Meant take me a while to figure out everything. 

Also I changed my pysch dr and she had taken my off a lot of my medicine and put me on new ones. To save the least, my body is freaking out. “RENAE WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?!? NEW MEDS TAKING ME OFF OLD MEDS I AM FREAKING OUT RENAE I’M FREAKING OUT!?!” So yeah that freaking stressful. 

And it’s thanksgiving and the holidays are coming up. With having mental illness the holiday are the best or worse time of year, no in the middle.

Honestly my life is a mess and I am a mess. But I am hanging on. Somehow I am finding strength to do things. Just making it.

I hope you all have a lovely thanksgiving, sorry it been a while babe. I love you❤️ Renae