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Big things are happening😱

Hello beautiful people! I know it’s been FOREVER since I have posted on here.

Big things that are happening:

I am done with high school! YAY!!! I am graduating in May and I am so excited. My high school years were the worst (until I became homeschooled then it was amazing.) I have prom this Friday and I have a big, fluffy, princess dress. I signed up for college this week, I am starting in the fall. I have been applying places to find a job. I just finished with my play Godspell. I am turning 19 next month. Wow. Man, I have been busy. Big things are coming up. I am excited, scared, nervous, all at the same time for graduating and starting college. 

My mood:

I have been very up and down. I have been really depressed. Even though things are going great for me, I still feel depressed. Depression sucks. No matter how hard I try I am still depressed. It’s frustrating but I am making it.

Something to be proud of:

When I was 13, I dreamed of killing myself and next months I will be 19. Wow. From when I was 13-16: I had an abusive boyfriend, went into mental hospitals 4 times, scratched my skin till it would bleed, tried to kill myself, was manic, suicidal, and depressed. Now I am turning 19, going to college, and graudating high school. I never thought I would live this long. I have come a long way. That’s something to be proud of.

My encouragement for you:

I am living proof that it does get better!

Never give up my darling.

You can do this.

I believe in you.

I love you.

Until next time!

-xoxo Renae💜

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Big news guys😱

Hello there beautiful😍😘

I am SOO sorry I haven’t been posting lately, life has been kinda crazy. I have been doing lots of plays: I was in Alice in Wonderland, I interned during The Juggle Book, school always keeps me busy, so I am not doing any big activities this summer so I will be posting much more often.

Updates on my mood:

Lately I have been really up and down. Some days really suck and I just feel down for no reason. Other days I am okay. But most days my moods are all over the place, I never know what mood I am going to be in. But today I am okay. Last night I cried myself to sleep and I had no idea why I was even crying but I made it. I am just keep going no matter what. That’s what really counts to me💜 so I have been seen kinda down but I have been doing a lot. I have been getting up everyday, doing my school work, chores, and just not feeding in my depression. So I count that as a success👍🏻💞

BIG NEWS:

So on Saturday I am turning 18😱😱😱😱 I have mixed emotions about it. I am excited about it because I know this birthday is going to be SOOO much better than my 16th birthday. I am going to the movies with my best friend then she is spending the night so I am very excited about that. And of course I can’t wait to get my presents lol!😂 And honestly I am so proud of myself for living this long. When I was 13 all I could think about was death and I never planned on living this long. But I have made it through a lot and have overcome so many things. So I am so proud of myself for living to be able to turn 18💕💜 But then I am scared about turning 18, becoming an adult is scary. College and graduating is right around the corner. I don’t know what I am going to major in, I am unsure of a lot of things. But I have decided this birthday is going to be my best birthday yet💜 Despite how turning 18 is scary it’s gonna be good. I am excited😱

So that’s all what is going on in my world💕 I hope you all have a wonderful day! I love you so much!❤️

-Renae💞

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Christmas thoughts and my poem!

Christmas coming and a new year.

Hey babes so today I am actually getting lots of stuff done. Cleaning, getting Christmas presents together. I do feel anxious about this new year. It’s really coming up fast, this year has been crazy. Has its has its ups and downs. But I will talk more about the closer New Years coming. But Christmas is almost here, I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I also love Christmas and it feel good knowing I am doing SOO much better than last year around this time. Nervous about what are plans to see family, that can be stressful and exhausting. But right now we can’t plan anything till my little sister has her procedures on Tursday look at her stomach, that is pretty scary. I just hope we get an answer and it’s something we can handle. So yeah life is crazy.

But I did something pretty awesome, I sent one of poems in a contest to get it published. I really hope I get published, that’s has to be one of my favorite poems I have ever written. I wrote it about 4 years ago while I was suicide. One amazing thing that has come from me getting diagonesed with bipolar, depression, and anxiety is my writing. I have become an amazing and deep writer. So here is my poem:

Shattered

 
So fingers crossed I do get published I get published in a book! I hope you like it!💕

So my life is a mess but I am making it. Just taking it one day at a time, and finding strength to do things. Yeah I am gonna be okay💜 love you lots babe! Renae💕

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“Hello Renae, oh guess what you have bipolar!”

Oh my goodness everyone it has been a while, I hope y’all are doing well. Honestly, I am not. Things are hell for me right now. 

So on Friday I got diagnosed with bipolar. As you know, 4 years ago I was diagoned with major depression and anxiety. Well my illness has changed completely. My dr said it is very normal that as you mature for bipolar to show up. I was diagoned with depression and anxiety when I was 14, now I am 17. So I have been reading books about bipolar for teens to try to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. And it’s normal for bipolar to come in your late teens. My mom has bipolar which already puts me at risk for it, and I have already been diagnosed with other stuff which puts me as a giant walking target to have bipolar. I know my mom feels guilty about it, but I don’t blame her at all. Honesty I just don’t know what the hell is going on with me. Because I truthfully don’t know much about bipolar,now I have it and have no clue what to do. My mom and my therapist said it was no big shock to them that I got diagnosed with bipolar. Honestly it wasn’t to surprising for me either, but it still feels like someone has slapped me in the face. “Hello Renae, oh guess what?! You have bipolar?” I feel confused, like what? But it always makes sense “oh so there is a reason to all my madness I am not totally insane!” But also I think “what now? What do I do with life, with myself? “Who am I? Can I still be successful and follow my dream?? UGHHH!” So yes I have very mixed emotions about all of this. I just want to get the help I need, to get better, have a success life and show those people “yeah that’s right, I have bipolar but I pretty dang successful!” It’s just tough and I am still processing. Meant take me a while to figure out everything. 

Also I changed my pysch dr and she had taken my off a lot of my medicine and put me on new ones. To save the least, my body is freaking out. “RENAE WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?!? NEW MEDS TAKING ME OFF OLD MEDS I AM FREAKING OUT RENAE I’M FREAKING OUT!?!” So yeah that freaking stressful. 

And it’s thanksgiving and the holidays are coming up. With having mental illness the holiday are the best or worse time of year, no in the middle.

Honestly my life is a mess and I am a mess. But I am hanging on. Somehow I am finding strength to do things. Just making it.

I hope you all have a lovely thanksgiving, sorry it been a while babe. I love you❤️ Renae

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Long time no see👀

So babe, it has been a while since I have been on here and I know you are DYING to know what’s happening in the world of Renae🙊

Well obviously I have been doing lots of school, so that’s has been keeping me pretty busy. But so far I have done really well on all my papers, quizzes, and tests. Junior year started with a bang, with all the hw, but I have done well at school. So I am very happy of☺️ next Saturday I am taking my A.C.T for the first time, which is scary, it’s a 5 hour test. But I have worked really hard in school, and preparing for it. It’s just my first time so the score I get is just the beginning, but I know I can kill it!💪 yes it is very stressful, and school as well. I got this!

My mental state has had its days but overall I am doing good. I am in recovery and I am stable☀️ coming up in October I will have not gone to a mental hopsital in a year!!! WHICH IS HUGE FOR ME!💗💗 because before I started recovering this past year, I have in the hospital every 4-6 months. I am very proud of myself💜 in November I will have been recovering for a year as well. I have come SUCH a long way, and I am so proud of myself❤️ from being  sucidal, in mental hospitals now to recovering, loving myself, and being happy☀️

️So thing around home have been hard. My mom and I have been fighting that past two days. Which was very difficult but we worked it out. My little sister has been having a hard time in school, my mom homeschools us, so it is extremely hard on her. Also my mom has some mental heath issues like me and is having a hard time right now. It’s hard seeing her struggle, and my sister struggle. But I am doing all I can to help mom, I know I can’t fix it but I can be there, help out and listen.

But there are some very exciting activities that are finally here! My theater class started, even thou I didn’t get the part I can still pretty excited. My co-op homeschool class starts in 2 weeks, it where homeschoolers take classes like yearbook, drama, choir, etc. So I will just be with people my age. YES😱😱 my life group at church starts next week, so I am finally going to make some friends!! YAY!💗💗

Last but not least, I have started advocare. It’s a diet plan where you eat right, get heathy, and loss weight. I can’t wait to the results and finally feel good!☀️I need to loss weight but mostly I need to be heathy. Also I have started exercising which is difficult but along with this diet I will feel 10 times better💗

So things are looking good☀️

I hope you have an amazing day babe! I love you so much❤️

See you soon!💜

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GUYS GOOD THINGS ARE COMING MY WAY☀️

So yesterday that coolest thing happened to me, and really showed my things are looking up for me. Here is the story:

So a few weeks ago I went to a homeschool group party, where homeschoolers and their parents just come and hang out. I say with a group of teens around my age (GUYS I WALKED UP TO THEM ,ASKED TO SIT DOWN, AND INTRODUCED MYSELF. THAT WAS HUGE FOR ME😱☺️☺️). I talked to a bunch of people, two twin boys, and didn’t think anyone really noticed me. I was wrong. So the twin boy’s mom message my mom and asked if I was going to the bowling party on Friday. Mom gave me a look like “😏😏😏”, and it made me really happy! That people want to hang out with me, and be my friend. I can’t tell you the last time someone went out of their way to hang out with me. It made me SOO happy, and I am still smiling about it☺️ PEOPLE LIKE ME, THEY REALLY LIKE ME!😱😱 so I am going to on Friday night☺️ so I am sure I will be hanging out with them☀️

So yesterday just showed me that good things are going my way. That this year I am FINALLY gonna have some friends. I just feel like this year going to be great, things are looking up for me💗

Would you guys please keep my sister in your prayers? She is having a really hard time, she may have ADD, ADHD, or just her anxiety acting up. So please keep her in your thoughts and prayers that we can find out what is going on and get her better. Thank you babe, you are the best😘

I hope you have a super awesome day! Love you❤️

See you soon!💜

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Junior year beginning 

So yesterday was my first day of my junior year and I have to say it was a success☀️ it went really well, of course I had homework and I have even more homework today. But hey, that’s high school. 

Mom signed me up to take the ACT less than a month away, it will be my first time as well. I freaked out yesterday, tbh I am still nervous about it. It just scares me cause I want to success and get into the college I want. First I want to get into Vet tech school, get my degree, then if I still want to be a vet, aply fot Vet school. The Vet tech school I want to go to is the only one in my state, it’s tough to get into, but no where near ️how tough getting into vet school. What I am scared of is failing and not getting into the college I want. Mom homeschools me and says she knows I will do amazing and get into the college I want. I trust her, it’s just hard not be scared, nervous, anxious, etc. But I KNOW I can do it, I work my butt off in school, and do my best. I just have to relax and know I got this. I can take it over again if I don’t like the score. My whole future doesn’t depend on that one test, I can suck it up and still get into the college I want cause my sophomore year I got all A’s. I know my grades will be great, cause I work hard, and study hard. I know I can do this!💜 I just can’t let anxiety get the best of me. I need to encourage myself when I think about it💗 I got this!💗 

This year is going to be amazing♡ I am going to a homeschool co-op class starting in September. It’s where homeschoolers take classes like yearbook, choir, drama, etc with kids their age. This year I am doing yearbook, drama, poerty, choir, stuff like that. It’s going to be good, I can finally make some friends💜 also I am doing a musical starting in the end of this month. Which will be AMAZING, I hope I get a lead role☀️ and I will singing in the worship team, and working at vet clinic🐾🐾  

So today I am feeling good! I hope you all have an amazing day♡

I love you lots babe!❤️❤️

See you later!😘