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Hello there beautiful😍😘

I am SOO sorry I haven’t been posting lately, life has been kinda crazy. I have been doing lots of plays: I was in Alice in Wonderland, I interned during The Juggle Book, school always keeps me busy, so I am not doing any big activities this summer so I will be posting much more often.

Updates on my mood:

Lately I have been really up and down. Some days really suck and I just feel down for no reason. Other days I am okay. But most days my moods are all over the place, I never know what mood I am going to be in. But today I am okay. Last night I cried myself to sleep and I had no idea why I was even crying but I made it. I am just keep going no matter what. That’s what really counts to me💜 so I have been seen kinda down but I have been doing a lot. I have been getting up everyday, doing my school work, chores, and just not feeding in my depression. So I count that as a success👍🏻💞

BIG NEWS:

So on Saturday I am turning 18😱😱😱😱 I have mixed emotions about it. I am excited about it because I know this birthday is going to be SOOO much better than my 16th birthday. I am going to the movies with my best friend then she is spending the night so I am very excited about that. And of course I can’t wait to get my presents lol!😂 And honestly I am so proud of myself for living this long. When I was 13 all I could think about was death and I never planned on living this long. But I have made it through a lot and have overcome so many things. So I am so proud of myself for living to be able to turn 18💕💜 But then I am scared about turning 18, becoming an adult is scary. College and graduating is right around the corner. I don’t know what I am going to major in, I am unsure of a lot of things. But I have decided this birthday is going to be my best birthday yet💜 Despite how turning 18 is scary it’s gonna be good. I am excited😱

So that’s all what is going on in my world💕 I hope you all have a wonderful day! I love you so much!❤️

-Renae💞

Christmas coming and a new year.

Hey babes so today I am actually getting lots of stuff done. Cleaning, getting Christmas presents together. I do feel anxious about this new year. It’s really coming up fast, this year has been crazy. Has its has its ups and downs. But I will talk more about the closer New Years coming. But Christmas is almost here, I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I also love Christmas and it feel good knowing I am doing SOO much better than last year around this time. Nervous about what are plans to see family, that can be stressful and exhausting. But right now we can’t plan anything till my little sister has her procedures on Tursday look at her stomach, that is pretty scary. I just hope we get an answer and it’s something we can handle. So yeah life is crazy.

But I did something pretty awesome, I sent one of poems in a contest to get it published. I really hope I get published, that’s has to be one of my favorite poems I have ever written. I wrote it about 4 years ago while I was suicide. One amazing thing that has come from me getting diagonesed with bipolar, depression, and anxiety is my writing. I have become an amazing and deep writer. So here is my poem:

Shattered

 
So fingers crossed I do get published I get published in a book! I hope you like it!💕

So my life is a mess but I am making it. Just taking it one day at a time, and finding strength to do things. Yeah I am gonna be okay💜 love you lots babe! Renae💕

Oh my goodness everyone it has been a while, I hope y’all are doing well. Honestly, I am not. Things are hell for me right now. 

So on Friday I got diagnosed with bipolar. As you know, 4 years ago I was diagoned with major depression and anxiety. Well my illness has changed completely. My dr said it is very normal that as you mature for bipolar to show up. I was diagoned with depression and anxiety when I was 14, now I am 17. So I have been reading books about bipolar for teens to try to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. And it’s normal for bipolar to come in your late teens. My mom has bipolar which already puts me at risk for it, and I have already been diagnosed with other stuff which puts me as a giant walking target to have bipolar. I know my mom feels guilty about it, but I don’t blame her at all. Honesty I just don’t know what the hell is going on with me. Because I truthfully don’t know much about bipolar,now I have it and have no clue what to do. My mom and my therapist said it was no big shock to them that I got diagnosed with bipolar. Honestly it wasn’t to surprising for me either, but it still feels like someone has slapped me in the face. “Hello Renae, oh guess what?! You have bipolar?” I feel confused, like what? But it always makes sense “oh so there is a reason to all my madness I am not totally insane!” But also I think “what now? What do I do with life, with myself? “Who am I? Can I still be successful and follow my dream?? UGHHH!” So yes I have very mixed emotions about all of this. I just want to get the help I need, to get better, have a success life and show those people “yeah that’s right, I have bipolar but I pretty dang successful!” It’s just tough and I am still processing. Meant take me a while to figure out everything. 

Also I changed my pysch dr and she had taken my off a lot of my medicine and put me on new ones. To save the least, my body is freaking out. “RENAE WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?!? NEW MEDS TAKING ME OFF OLD MEDS I AM FREAKING OUT RENAE I’M FREAKING OUT!?!” So yeah that freaking stressful. 

And it’s thanksgiving and the holidays are coming up. With having mental illness the holiday are the best or worse time of year, no in the middle.

Honestly my life is a mess and I am a mess. But I am hanging on. Somehow I am finding strength to do things. Just making it.

I hope you all have a lovely thanksgiving, sorry it been a while babe. I love you❤️ Renae

So babe, it has been a while since I have been on here and I know you are DYING to know what’s happening in the world of Renae🙊

Well obviously I have been doing lots of school, so that’s has been keeping me pretty busy. But so far I have done really well on all my papers, quizzes, and tests. Junior year started with a bang, with all the hw, but I have done well at school. So I am very happy of☺️ next Saturday I am taking my A.C.T for the first time, which is scary, it’s a 5 hour test. But I have worked really hard in school, and preparing for it. It’s just my first time so the score I get is just the beginning, but I know I can kill it!💪 yes it is very stressful, and school as well. I got this!

My mental state has had its days but overall I am doing good. I am in recovery and I am stable☀️ coming up in October I will have not gone to a mental hopsital in a year!!! WHICH IS HUGE FOR ME!💗💗 because before I started recovering this past year, I have in the hospital every 4-6 months. I am very proud of myself💜 in November I will have been recovering for a year as well. I have come SUCH a long way, and I am so proud of myself❤️ from being  sucidal, in mental hospitals now to recovering, loving myself, and being happy☀️

️So thing around home have been hard. My mom and I have been fighting that past two days. Which was very difficult but we worked it out. My little sister has been having a hard time in school, my mom homeschools us, so it is extremely hard on her. Also my mom has some mental heath issues like me and is having a hard time right now. It’s hard seeing her struggle, and my sister struggle. But I am doing all I can to help mom, I know I can’t fix it but I can be there, help out and listen.

But there are some very exciting activities that are finally here! My theater class started, even thou I didn’t get the part I can still pretty excited. My co-op homeschool class starts in 2 weeks, it where homeschoolers take classes like yearbook, drama, choir, etc. So I will just be with people my age. YES😱😱 my life group at church starts next week, so I am finally going to make some friends!! YAY!💗💗

Last but not least, I have started advocare. It’s a diet plan where you eat right, get heathy, and loss weight. I can’t wait to the results and finally feel good!☀️I need to loss weight but mostly I need to be heathy. Also I have started exercising which is difficult but along with this diet I will feel 10 times better💗

So things are looking good☀️

I hope you have an amazing day babe! I love you so much❤️

See you soon!💜

So yesterday that coolest thing happened to me, and really showed my things are looking up for me. Here is the story:

So a few weeks ago I went to a homeschool group party, where homeschoolers and their parents just come and hang out. I say with a group of teens around my age (GUYS I WALKED UP TO THEM ,ASKED TO SIT DOWN, AND INTRODUCED MYSELF. THAT WAS HUGE FOR ME😱☺️☺️). I talked to a bunch of people, two twin boys, and didn’t think anyone really noticed me. I was wrong. So the twin boy’s mom message my mom and asked if I was going to the bowling party on Friday. Mom gave me a look like “😏😏😏”, and it made me really happy! That people want to hang out with me, and be my friend. I can’t tell you the last time someone went out of their way to hang out with me. It made me SOO happy, and I am still smiling about it☺️ PEOPLE LIKE ME, THEY REALLY LIKE ME!😱😱 so I am going to on Friday night☺️ so I am sure I will be hanging out with them☀️

So yesterday just showed me that good things are going my way. That this year I am FINALLY gonna have some friends. I just feel like this year going to be great, things are looking up for me💗

Would you guys please keep my sister in your prayers? She is having a really hard time, she may have ADD, ADHD, or just her anxiety acting up. So please keep her in your thoughts and prayers that we can find out what is going on and get her better. Thank you babe, you are the best😘

I hope you have a super awesome day! Love you❤️

See you soon!💜

So yesterday was my first day of my junior year and I have to say it was a success☀️ it went really well, of course I had homework and I have even more homework today. But hey, that’s high school. 

Mom signed me up to take the ACT less than a month away, it will be my first time as well. I freaked out yesterday, tbh I am still nervous about it. It just scares me cause I want to success and get into the college I want. First I want to get into Vet tech school, get my degree, then if I still want to be a vet, aply fot Vet school. The Vet tech school I want to go to is the only one in my state, it’s tough to get into, but no where near ️how tough getting into vet school. What I am scared of is failing and not getting into the college I want. Mom homeschools me and says she knows I will do amazing and get into the college I want. I trust her, it’s just hard not be scared, nervous, anxious, etc. But I KNOW I can do it, I work my butt off in school, and do my best. I just have to relax and know I got this. I can take it over again if I don’t like the score. My whole future doesn’t depend on that one test, I can suck it up and still get into the college I want cause my sophomore year I got all A’s. I know my grades will be great, cause I work hard, and study hard. I know I can do this!💜 I just can’t let anxiety get the best of me. I need to encourage myself when I think about it💗 I got this!💗 

This year is going to be amazing♡ I am going to a homeschool co-op class starting in September. It’s where homeschoolers take classes like yearbook, choir, drama, etc with kids their age. This year I am doing yearbook, drama, poerty, choir, stuff like that. It’s going to be good, I can finally make some friends💜 also I am doing a musical starting in the end of this month. Which will be AMAZING, I hope I get a lead role☀️ and I will singing in the worship team, and working at vet clinic🐾🐾  

So today I am feeling good! I hope you all have an amazing day♡

I love you lots babe!❤️❤️

See you later!😘

OH MY GOSH HELLO BABE, I AM BACK!!!😱😱

So I am sure you are wondering where I have been, it’s just been super crazy lately, and I haven’t had much time. I will catch you up on what has been happening in the world of Renae.
The past couple of weeks I have been off from school, but even thou I have had time off, it’s been busy. Going to therapy every week, helping out around the house, running earns, etc. Around the house has been very stressful, my little sister who just turned 10, is all drama. She hasn’t been sleeping in her own bed for weeks, cause she is scared. We really don’t know what she is scared of, but she refuses to sleep in her own bed. That equals drama. It really stresses my mom out, and everyone else. Also mom said she is just know processing feelings, which mean I will say a moment then months later she will tell me it hurt her feelings. Difficult? Very. She did that to me the other day, and I snapped at her cause I thought it happened weeks ago, LET IT GO. But then mom told me she thinks it’s her processing feelings, and you have to be patience with her. She has just been difficult lately.

Lately my mood has been so much better. I have been working really hard in therapy, I’m not low, or depressed, I am in recovery and stable!!💗 which is a HUGGEE thing for me!! I have been recovering for about 10ish months now, I have worked my ass off, and it’s paying off. Now I am just deal with normal teenage problems like; trying to figure out my college, my future, stress from, school, family, hw, etc. Just normal teenage problems. I am so used to dealing with mental illness problems, I have never been able to deal with teenage stuff. It’s weird, but it is so nice☀️ now in therapy I am working on handling stress and teen girl problems. I have come a long way in 10ish months. Now I love myself (most days) and , love my life (most days)❤️yes I still have bad days, good days, ups and downs but overall I am happy☀️

NOW I HAVE SUPER EXCITING NEWS IT GOING TO BLOW YOUR MIND!!!! I couple of months ago, God spoke to me and told me to become a veterinarian. So I have been interning at my local animal clinic and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!❤️❤️❤️😱😱😍😍🐶🐱🐾 I am doing it about every week, and I have been researching colleges. I mean, 3 years ago I didn’t care about life, and now I am going to become a veterinarian. Vet school is SOO HARD, to get into, and I would have to go out of state. So I will thinking about getting my vet tech degree first then try to get into vet school. It’s impossible to get into vet school right out of high school (believe I have been talking to vets about it) ️so getting your vet tech degree is a great start to becoming a vet.🐾 even thou planning your career is super scary, I feel excited about choosing a career I would love💗💗

Tomorrow I get to start my first day of school, in my junior year. I am excited but nervous at the same time. I can’t wait to be homeschooled again, and start a new year. But I am nervous cause this year my mom is homeschooling my sister to, ACT and SAT year. It’s scary starting a new chapter up I am ready💗💗☀️☀️

Okay babe, I will try my best to be more active on here, I swear I haven’t forgotten about you!❤️ I love you guys!💜 so I will post as much as possible!

I love you all so much♡

Have an amazing night! I love you lots!💜💜

See you soon😘

I am sure you all have been dying to know how my vacation went, well here it is!

My family and I stayed at the beach for  week and it was AMAZING❤️❤️ Some things we did: 

I went jet skiing with my dad, he drove and it was AWESOME!😱 We jumped over huge waves, annoyed some birds by following them, went so fast, and it’s was just so awesome. I was nervous about it at first, but once we got going fast, all my worries melted away. It was so much fun!☺️

Most of the time we were at the beach. I love just sitting up there reading a good book. I got in the water some to, but my favorite part was being there, reading. I also loved to tan! Now my mom tans SOO well, but my dad is SOO pale. So my tan is better than my dad but not near as good as my mom’s. I look SO much like my mom, thankfully I can tan descently unlike my poor dad.😂 So I tanned a lot to, I still got sunburned but now it’s gone and I am tan!💓 Since I read a lot I finished reading 3 books during my vacation!❤️ 

We went out to eat a lot as well, it’s difficult with me being gluten intolerant, but we did find some fancy and really good places to eat!☀️ I dressed up thoses night, wearing make up, fixing my hair, and put on cute clothes. It was awesome!

Our last day we went SHOPPING!!🙌🙌😍😱😱😱❤️❤️❤️ Okay I LOVE shopping, bought clothes from one of my fav stores, 6 books from Book A Million (I have a book problem😏), and some jewelry. I spent TONS of my money that I have saved up from baby sitting, doing chores, and stuff like that. So now I am broke😂 oh well it was worth it!💗💗
My vacation did have it ups and downs, like the night we fought and I posted the ugly truth, and stuff like that. But I have to say it was my FAVORITE VACATION EVER!😱❤️💗 what really made it special was that I am stable. Last year when we went to the beach, I was sucidal and depressed, so long story short it was awful. Also mom wasn’t doing good mentally either, but this year we are both stable!☀️☀️ 

Idk if I have told you guys this but when I have depressed I have an active self harmer. I wouldn’t cut myself cause if I did my parents would sent my to hopsital. But I did scratch myself, I would get bug bites and scratch them till they bleed and leave scars. 

I was scared going on this vacation due to still having self harm scars, but I didn’t feel bad about them, I felt proud. And you can’t really see them but if you come really close and I point them out then you can see them. But I am proud knowing, I survived. They are my warrior scars showing, I am a fighter, I fought even when I wanted to die, I survived. I am a fighter!💪 

That was my summary of my vacation and some back stories!💗💗

Have an amazing day babe!💜

Talk to you later!☀️☀️

Love you lots!❤️❤️

So I have been on vacation so that is why I haven’t been posting but it has been AMAZING and I will post more about it later. But right now I really need to talk about the ugly truth.

So I have been a total cold hearted bitch, pain in the ass, lately. And I think I know why. Mom always tells me that hurt people hurt people and I am very scared inside. The past 3 years I was depressed and being abused. Well thous 3 years I told no one, anything. I bottled up my feelings. I have been in recovery for about 8ish months, but I feel I have been dealing with some stuff alone. I have no friends, and I know my mom is always there for me. But it’s really difficult for talking to her about my past. It’s one of the things I still haven’t learned to stop bottling it up. I have also been bottling up about how hard it is for me being gluten intolerant. Cause they fix family suppers for us that are gluten free. My dad has some food problems himselve and everything I say it’s not hard he says “at least it’s not dairy free.” ️Well I know that, I only did that for 2 months, but gluten really sucks cause I have to do it the rest of my life!! He has such an attitude about my good intolerance, cause he has one. I am opening my self up to you and he is being so cold in return. So I just don’t take about how I feel about my food problem. Mom has never been cold or mean about them, but dad has so I have shut down on talking about it. 

Here is the ugly truth: I have been so hurt the past 3 years by myself, my illness, and my abuser. I don’t know how to talk about any of that, so I just explode. I hurt everyone around me cause I shatter everything and everyone in my path. 

I have just felt so alone cause my mental illness is a mind battle everyday that only I can face. And I still have things bottled up inside. My little sister hasn’t been helping, she cries if you look at her wrong. Which in turns, makes me on edge, so then I expode.

Like last night, my sister was being SOO EMOTIONAL and I had a rough night. I had a rough night cause at the restaurant we were at, there not many things for me, being gluten intolerant. But when they gave me, my food, it was so small. And everyone else was eating things I love, but can’t have, and on top of that I was soo hungry. So I got up from the table went into the bathroom, had an anxiety attack. Then once I somewhat calmed down, got out and looked around. Mom came and talked to me which really helped. But then my sister started being emotional and a pain in the ass. So I was about to jump of a cliff with my mood when I got home. I talked to mom, mom did nothing at all, and I completely expoded. I said so REALLY TERRIBLE THINGS, I shouldn’t have said, and really hurt her and pissed her off. 

Then this morning I didn’t get sleep, due to nightmares. So I hurt mom and pissed her off even more. Then another anxiety attack. I apologized to mom but I know she is still hurt by all the cruel things I said when I exploded.

So I have been a cold hearted bitch, pain in the ass, awful to be around, jerk, etc. 

And the ugly truth is no excuse for me to act this way, it’s just what I know is behind my actions. 

I just need lots more of therapy, and give mom time to let go of what I said totally. 

So for now, I will stop exploding on the people I love, think before I speak, and write more on here. Blogging always helps me so I need to do this WAYY more often. 

I don’t mean to be terrible, I am just struggling, and I feel alone. I know I am not, I always have my mom, but I just suck right now.

So I WILL STOP exploding and do my best to do better.

Thank you guys for listening I really needed to talk about this.

Love you lots!💗💜