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Packing day!☀️

So today I have been very busy packing for our beach vacation! We are leaving for the beach tomorrow. I am super excited about it! I have a bag full of book, and notebooks! We are going to watch movies in the car rides, so got lots of movies. I am going to be at the beach all the time, at the beach I am going to read, write, tan, and have tons of fun playing in the water! I am going to be reading lots of books I haven’t read yet, YES, and writing in my book. I love writing my book, I just love developing my characters, and the plot line.💗 I am a writer and a reader📖📚 

Also later tonight I am going to a worship team thingy. Only the worship team is going to be there, we will be hearing the word and praising the Lord!🙌 I really hope I meet some more friends and get their numbers. Everyone on the worship is so sweet, friendly, and they are welcoming me into their team. It makes me feel like part of a family!☀️

So I have had a good day but busy, and later worship team!💗 wish me luck meeting friends!💜

Love you lots❤️

Talk to you later!☀️

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Roller coaster of emotions

So today was a roller coaster of emotions. Normally my mom doesn’t tell me when she’s have a bad day, she  always acts okay. But today she told my little sister and I that she was having a rough day. I was shocked, I didn’t know what to do, she has never done that before. She said ahs needs extra love today. I know my definition of more love is but I really didn’t know what that meant. I just winged it, I feel like I had to be the okay one. I am just learning to driving and parking is very hard. And one of the places we went to had probably the worst parking I had tired. I was nervous enough so I was doing bad and mom was yelling. Long story short, we fought. Then when we ate lunch I asked them to leave and give me a minute. I had a full on anxiety attack. To say the least I was a mess. Thank goodness I had therapy after that, my therapist really helps me. I talked about my mood swing that are worse than usual, how I feel useless, and my anger at God. The reason I am having worse mood swings than normal is my dr changed some of the dosages on my meds, which takes a while to get used to. I have just been feeling like I have no purpose lately, like in my family. We had a family session which really helped. Sometimes I feel I have no role in my family, but my therapist, my mom, and my sister helped me feel lots better about it. Also mom and I worked through our fight, we are all good now. It was an emotional day, now I feel better much. Probably raw from everything that has happened today. But I am okay☀️ today has gotten better, it’s just been a roller coaster kind of day!💗

I love you lots babe!💜

Talk to you soon!❤️

  Btw I made this edit😂😂I am a HUGE BOOK NERD! So this is me!😂😂😂😂🙌🙌🙌☺️☺️🙌🙌🙌😂😂

Hehe bye love!💗 

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Good day? Yes☀️

Today I had an amazing day!☀️

I finished my homeschooling till we get back from vacation! We are leaving Friday and I am SUPER DUPER excited!💗 going to be amazing cause I am stable not being suidical all the time. I am just tons better and everyone else is doing good to!💜 I really just can’t wait!!

Also I went to a worship team hang out tonight. I met so many people and really enjoyed hanging out them. I mostly hung out with this girl, Rachel. She was so much fun, loves old literature like me, loves to write, loves God, loves to sing, was homeschooled, we just had so much in conman! It was really fun talking to her, also I met tons of other amazing people. I am so happy to be a singer in my church’s worship team. It’s a huge honor, cause I am one of the youngest on it, it’s HUGE, thousands of people audition but don’t get in, but I got in!💗 I love to sing, worship God, the people in the worship are so friendly and amazing, and it makes me feel proud of a family. It just makes me feel so proud and honored to be a part of it☀️☀️ its was awesome seeing people so excited to met me, and welcome me to the team. Everyone was so sweet, friendly, and made me feel part of something amazing!💚💚 

Background on my singing:

I have been singing like my whole life, I took voice lessens when I was about 7, for a year. I have sang at my other church’s praise band. But I have never auditioned to be a singer in a HUGE worship team. I was SOO nervous and didn’t have much experience. So when I found out I made it I was sad at first. Cause I REALLY wanted to be on the front line (people who sing center stage, have solos, etc) but I did make it to be a part of the chorus at the coner of the stage. We are a group of about 30 singers singing in the back. I was disappointed at first cause I really wanted to be center stage. But the reason why I didn’t get in the front line was cause of my age (I’m 17, and most people on the front line for late 20’s , early 30’s. I am one of the youngest on the worship team) and cause I am inperienced. But now I am SOO HAPPY AND EXCITED to be part of the worship team!💜💜☀️☀️☀️ I love it already and I haven’t even sang on stage yet!💗💗 I am so happy to be a part of it!☀️ I used to think my singing was just average but I got into a worship team about 80ish (not sure how much people are on it, but I know they are picky and only pick the best of the best)  people out of THOUSANDS!❤️❤️ I went into the audition on pure talent (and tons of practicing of course). It just makes me feel special like I really do have a beautiful voice. I am learning to love myself and making it into the worship team really helped💗💗💜💜☀️

So it’s been an amazing day!💚

Talk to you later, love❤️

Love you lots!💗

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sick, emotional, good day☀️

For the most part of today I have been in bed, very sick. I am gluten intolerant , I ate gluten last night soo that went over awesome. NOT! Today I have realized a lot of things, I wrote a letter to myself and saw much I don’t trust myself. Because when I was depressed I made some horrible choices. It’s hard for me to trust myself due to how when I am depressed my illness takes over. My illness literally ruins my life. I stayed with an absusive boyfriend (now ex boyfriend), almost killed myself multiple times, and could have gotten pregnant. So let’s just say I don’t trust myself when my illness takes over. But I do know I am a TOTALLY different person now than I used to be. I am stable and recovering, I have worked my ass off, and my illness doesn’t define me anymore. It used to, but now it doesn’t. I am just scared that one day my illness will take over again, but I honestly know I wouldn’t let that happen. I just don’t trust my illness, I trust myself but not my illness. So I wrote a long letter to myself which really helped. I just got some trust issues to work through.

Also at church I realized I don’t trust God. I have been through hell and back,  I still don’t understand why I went through what I went through, and what I am still going through today. But I had a nice long talk with God. He really spoke to me and opened my eyes. When I get upset, angry, bitter, and hurt I stop talking to you. God told me I need to conitue talking to him, so I can overcome being anger at him and not trusting him. He told me tonight I need to start talking to him daily, read his word, and listen to him. So I will start doing all thous things! I am going to read the book of John, set aside time everyday to talk to him, and when he tells me to do something, I will do it. I really want to trust him, and be close to him. But to get there I need to stop being anger, bitter towards him, and trust him. Yes it will take a lot of work but I am up for the challenge!

I want to trust all of myself! I want to love all parts of myself. I love a lot of myself but I don’t love and trust my illness. I am going to change that!💜 I have a lot of work ahead of me. But I have gotten this far I can face anything with God by my side!🙌🙏☀️

Emotional day and sick day but I going to start doing some good things! Today is ending on a positive note!!💗💗

Love you lots!💚

Night!❤️

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daily life and picture post!💗

So today has been up and down. I did homework and school all day which gets old, pretty fast. But I did read some in the book I am reading. It’s Champain by Marie Lu, it’s the last book in the Legend series. It’s SOO good! It’s really hard to put that book down!😍😍 

Also I wrote another devotion, I really enjoy writing them, I love sharing the word of God with people🙏 I wasn’t always this close to God, when I was suidical and depressed, I turned my back far seats from him. But now that I have been in recovery for 7ish months now, I have become really close to him!🙌

The really only big downs I had were getting SOO sick of doing homework and school in the summer. But after talking  my parents (btw I am homeschooled) I don’t have to do school tomorrow and Sunday. I still have to do homework but it’s going to be awesome doing homework then get to spend the day the way I want💗💗 Also I got really down about having no friends. It’s really tough cause my sister has friends over ALL THE TIME, and I have no friends to even talk to. It gets very lonely, sometimes. But I know once fall comes I will be meeting lots of new people at church, at theater class, and homeschool stuff. Yeah I get down about being lonely and doing school in the summer a lot. But it happens. It’s okay to feel sad. The important thing is to take care of yourself💜💜

So I read and relaxed. Also we are leaving for the beach and I CANT WAIT!😱😱 that’s always sometime to look forward to☀️☀️

So it’s been up and down day but I am ending the day on a positive note!💗 

 
Btw this is a picture I made today, I edit and make pictures like this!☀️

Have an amazing night everyone!

Love you lots!💜

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Busy, busy, day!

Today I went to therapy and it went really well! My therapist came me some helpful advise to help with my anxiety and mood swings. She’s the best. Since I saw my pysch doctor yerseterday I am just getting used to the med dosages changes. I was very moody this morning but it has gotten a lot better towards the end of the day, which always help. 

My mom and I got some stuff for our beach vacations we are going on next week. I am SOOO EXCITED, cause this is the first time in 3 years I am stable and recovering. I was suidical the last vacation we had, so that was really tough. But this year I am feeling stable mentally and my stomach problems are under control. I was very sick through Novemeber of last year to April of this year. I discovered after months of pain that I had 5 ulcers in my espagous. But now they have healed and I just can’t eat gluten. So I am for the most part pain free!! ( my stomach hurts when I am upset, anxious, etc) This years trip is going to be awesome I can feel it!☀️☀️☀️

Also today I felt God has been telling me to write Christian devotions again and I did write one today. It made me feel really good, I used to write them a lot, and It’s time for me to start writing them again💗💗 it pleases God and me!💜 

And it homeschooling went really well today and got a tons of homework done. It made me feel accomplished getting what I needed to get done, done. ☀️

A really good day today!💚💚

Take care of yourself babe💗

Love you lots!💜💜

Night❤️

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️So world🌍

So I saw my pysch doctor today and the appointment went MUCH better than I thought it would. She changed some of my medicine dosages. Since my anxiety, moods have been crazy, and cause I haven’t been sleeping. She says the Meds I am on right now work for me, sometimes you got to change the dosages. That makes me feel REALLY good, because after I got first diagoned I would change to different medicines every month. It took 3 years to find out the right meds for me, and now I have been on the right ones for about 7ish months now. It was soo crazy after I first got disgoned. I was very suidical, depressed, and was going to mental hopsitals all the time. I was being abused during that same time period. Wow, was my life a mess. But now I am stable💗 yeah just cause I am in recovery doesn’t mean my life is easy, I am still teenage girl with mental illness. But I have worked my ass off to get to where I am today! I still have bad days, low points, just recently I had a terrible 3 weeks, but I keep fighting. Recovery is a choice every single day, and I am fighting hard for recovery, everyday. I don’t always win but the important thing is I get up and try again. Recovery is tough but worth it☀️ 3 years ago I would have never imagined myself saying that I am stable, but I am!! And it’s awesome❤️

So tomorrow I am going to therapy, I really like my therapist. Tomorrow I am going to talk about how to handle my anxiety cause it’s been crazy lately, and my moods have been crazy as well. I feel really lonely as well, I have no friends I would want to hang out with and stuff like that. I am have been lonely for a while and just ready for friends. Now that I am stable and recovering I am ready for friends💜

So today has overall been a really good day!☀️☀️ 

Stay tuned for more of my life and some of my story coming up!❤️ idk when and if I post my story on here but totally be looking out for it! But can always count on me posting about my life, days, and feelings!

It’s bed time, hopefully this new med dosage work! Sleep well love!💚

Love you lots!❤️❤️❤️

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So, life

Today was overall a good day, had some bumps in the road of course. But my sister and I had a very long talk tonight. We were totally open and honest with each other. She thinks she has to be just like me, and that I am perfect. I think she got the message that I am not perfect, and she is never going to be totally like me, she isn’t supposed to. She needs to be herself and she’s amazing💗 my sister also has lots of self esteem and body image issues. I know I have struggled with that A LONNGGG TIME, and I still struggle with it. I have this birth mark, mole above my chest, and it totally shows when I where stapless dresses. I have always hating it, cause I felt everyone was starring at it when I wore stapless dresses. Over the years I have learned to accept it, and love it. There is nothing to be embarrassed about it, it’s just a part of me. I don’t want to fleeze it off: one cause it will hurt and to I have had it my whole life, I would miss it💗 it’s just another part of myself I have learned to accept. Also I have always struggled with my weight number. Before my illness I was SUPER shinny, but I still thought I was fat. After my illness 3 years there I gained around 50 plus pounds, it was very difficult for me. I was soo used to being shinny and now that I wasn’t anymore it was tough. Having depression and anxiety doesn’t help. But I am learning to love myself the weight I am right now, cause I may never have the perfect weight number. I want to be happy with myself today☀️

Hopefully I can get some sleep tonight, lately I haven’t been sleeping much. Because my mind is so active and won’t shut off. So I am seeing my pysch doctor tomorrow, so she can get my Meds straight. Also my anxiety has been really bad lately, and Idk why. I just want to sleep and stop being anxious all the time!
I am going to bed now love💜

Night babe💗💗

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Forgiveness issues

I have reading this amazing article on forgiveness and realized that I haven’t forgiven the ex boyfriend who abused me. I still have so much bitterness, pain, sorrow, and anger in my heart. It’s really hard to forgive someone who abused you emotional, physically, and sexually. When I told my parents it was a year after he abused me so there was no proof that he did abuse me. I feel I never got my Justice I decided. But when I got the ladies who deal with stuff like this, the details were very fuzzy. Because I was very suidical and depressed, and to this day the details are still fuzzy. I remember more now than I ever had before, but it’s still very few clues. When I told my mom how he abused me but I choose to stay with him, she didn’t understand why I stayed. Honestly I don’t even understand fully why I stay. All I know is I haven’t in my right mind I was suidical, very depressed, being abused, in mediated, and not telling anyone about any of it. Now that I am in my right mind, I know I should have left. I really did love him thou, no matter how many times he hit me, yelled stuff at me like “you worthless piece of shit!” “You crazy insane bitch” , fat, ugly, the list goes on and on. All I know I need to stop being bitter and start forgiving. Yeah he never asked for forgiveness, and sure he doesn’t deserve it. But I am not forgiving him for him, I am going to forgive him for my peace of mind. I tired of being anger, sad, bitter, and in pain about what he did to me. And when I do forgive that pain won’t magical go away, cause he gave me scars, on the inside and out. I just want to let go of my past and move forward. I can never do that if I don’t forgive him. So I am going to start writing and bloging more about my past. Because I feel ashamed about my past but my past is just the past. It has shaped me into the person I am today. So I am done with never talking, hiding my feelings, and feeling awful about my past. It’s time to talk about it, let go, forgive, and move on!!
So you will see more posts about my past, so stayed tuned to see my journey through recovery and healing!💗

Have an amazing night everyone!

Love you lots!💜

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Anxiety acting up again

So lately I have noiced that I have been more anxious than usual. I have been shaking SOO bad lately, and the anxiety attacks are back. It’s harder to sleep. This normally starts happening when I am low and my depression acting up. I don’t think my depression is acting up I have just having crazy mood swings. I am a teenage girl with mental illness but my moods are worse than usual. When I am happy, I am on top of the world, but when I am sad, I feel like my sorrow will never end. The moods change within minutes, I never know how I am going to feel one minute to another. I am more emotional lately, and the anxiety attacks can happen at anytime. When I have anxiety attacks I can’t breathe, shaking uncontrollably, and crying. It’s awful, and it’s worse having then at moment. I could have an attack over nothing. Somedays I feel I can do anything, other days no anxiety attacks is the best part of my day (if I don’t have one, then getting up was the best part of my day.) I am just tired of it, idk what’s going on with me. Idk what triggerd this, and I am scared I am going to get sad again. Normally when my anxiety is bad so is my depression. It’s REALLY annoying. I am just so happy mom is calling my psych doctor tomorrow. She’s a good doctor but she’s not always comforting. My last psych doctor was awesome, comforting, really helped me, and it was always easy ️talking to him. But of course he stopped going to place where I used to see. My current pysch doctor really helps me but I still miss my other pysch doctor in some ways. I am just need some med changes, I know she will help me with that. Is she fun to see? Not really but she is really good. 

I have been writing in my book a lot today. It’s really fun, I love it. I also made some earrings which are BEAUTIFUL!💜💜

If I can just get my anxiety and mood swings under control, I will feel much better. 

Now it’s time for bed, taking a deep breathe and going to make the most out of tomorrow!

sleep well babe💗💗

Love you lots!💜